


The Food Network Presents the Art of Not Dating

by Azure_K_Mello



Series: The Food Network Presents… [2]
Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azure_K_Mello/pseuds/Azure_K_Mello
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Jared’s a Food Network Star. Jensen is a closed off man who doesn’t want to know. So what happens when the pair start not dating? Not dating is defined as paying for yourself at restaurants and not sleeping with someone you’re madly in love with.</p>
<p>Words: 14,042</p>
<p>Bunny care of: mediaville found here: http://mediaville.livejournal.com/12649.html</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Food Network Presents the Art of Not Dating

Washing the dishes Jensen listened to the soft strains of Tricia’s voice floating through the house. It was nice to hear her, to feel like she was home with them. When the phone rang he picked up quickly, “Hey.”

“Really?” said Annie. “I was hoping you wouldn’t pick up.”

“Why? I always pick up.”

“Yeah, but maybe you’d be busy or in a sex coma.”

“I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with him.”

“I thought you were being discreet. Do you know I did the math the other day?”

“What math?” 

“It’s been seven hundred and sixty-two days since you got laid.”

“It’s creepy that you know that.” 

“You broke up with Dave eight days before she died.” 

“I could have had sex since then.” 

“Please, Jensen, let’s be honest.”

“Maybe I have anonymous sex all the time.”

“You only go to the supermarket and work. You wouldn’t do it in the supermarket because what if you got distracted while shopping? And you wouldn’t sleep with a student because you’d think that’s unethical. You have a thing for TV’s Chef Jared. What happened?” 

“I couldn’t do it.”

“Why not?” 

“Because Jamie likes him and he asked about Tricia. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t… I don’t know, Annie.”

“Jen, I’m sorry-”

“It’s been two years. I wasn’t even in love with her, not the way you’re supposed to be. And I just can’t move on. Everyone else has. He talked about her and I shouted at him for getting Jamie’s hopes up and pretty much kicked him out. I miss her, Annie, all the time.” 

“She was you platonic lifemate, Jen; no one is asking you to ‘just move on’. Tricia was your wife and the mother of your child; of course you were in love with her just not romantically. You’re allowed to still be grieving. But you shouldn’t be dead from the neck down. She wouldn’t want you to be.”

“He’s beautiful and nice to Jamie. I just… I don’t know.” 

“It doesn’t have to be him; I just think you should maybe get back out there.” 

“I know but I like being with my boy. I don’t know if I really want that anymore.”

“You’re twenty-nine, Jensen. You aren’t done.” 

“Maybe I am.” 

“Bull. He’s gonna come back you know.”

“Please,” he scoffed, “why would he?” 

“Because you’re hot and he was staring. He’ll be back.” 

“Goodnight, Annie.” 

“Night.” 

He hung up and, having finished the dishes, he went off to bed. He liked to go to bed early and felt wrung out from the evening with Jared. Walking into his bedroom he was actually glad that he’d driven the man away because the season one box set of Dinner for Two was sitting by the TV while the tissues and hand lotion were on the bedside table. That would have been awkward. His life was getting pathetic.

~~~ 

Jared dialed as he pulled into his driveway and Mike picked up after the third ring. “That was either incredibly fast or you’re losing your touch.” 

“Dude, shut up. I told you I wasn’t trying anything on. And he kind of kicked me out. Anyway maybe he’s straight.” 

“Are you kidding? Do you really not know who he is?” 

“Should I?”

“He’s way more famous than you are. I honestly thought you were hitting up a celebrity for an episode.”

“I live with my head up my ass.” He unlocked the door and was instantly assaulted by his dogs. Dropping to his knees he said, “Babies, hi, Daddy missed you.”

“Stop talking to them like they’re children; they’re animals. And, yes, you are the most self obsessed bastard I know. If I liked you less I would hate you for how vain you are.” Jared shrugged, even knowing that Mike couldn’t see him. It was totally true but that didn’t make him a bad person. He was a good person; he was very aware of what a good person he was. “You should google him.” 

“Why, are there a lot of good pictures?” He was still on the floor with his dogs. This was why he was enjoying the season; by staying in Texas he never needed to leave his babies with his parents.

“I’m not talking about masturbation, Jared. You should do a little research. He’s been in the public eye since he was a kid. Might help you get into his pants.” 

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?” 

“No going through his mail would be an invasion of privacy. This is just using your resources. The rest of the world knows who he is.” 

“Maybe. Look, I gotta feed the dogs. Where are we shooting tomorrow?”

“In Dallas proper, I’ll send a car for you in the morning, round ten.”

“Excellent. See you tomorrow.” 

“Get your beauty sleep, Jay, you’re no good to us ugly.” 

“Night, Mike.” 

He stroked Sadie’s jaw and said, “Were you two good today? Let’s go out back so you can do your business and then see to some dinner. Huh? That sound good? Yeah it does.” He walked with them excitedly bouncing next to him as he walked through the house to the backyard. He sat down on his porch as the dogs nosed about on the grass. Harley still wasn’t up to much exercise and Sadie was paying the price but they were good dogs and Jared could tell that she was trying to be calmer around him. Mike said that he anthropomorphosized them but Jared knew his babies were clever.

His phone rang with a familiar ring tone and he picked up with a, “Hey, Momma.” 

“JT, wanted to see how your day was.” 

“It was okay. How was yours?” 

“Good. So why was it only okay? Your days are always ‘great’ or ‘fantastic.’”

“Met a guy.” 

“Shouldn’t that be a good thing?” she asked with a laugh. Jared loved his momma, loved her soft vowels and warm hands, loved that they could always talk so easily.

“He’s got a kid and he doesn’t like me much.” 

“Oh dear. But you only met him today.” 

“Yeah, he doesn’t like me.” 

“Well, it’s only one day. I think you’ll get over the heart break, JT.”

“He’s real handsome.” He watched the dogs who were getting bored and covered the mouth piece so he could whistle to them. They instantly came to him and tromped back into the house. “Apparently he’s more famous than me but I’ve never heard of him,” he said shutting the door behind himself. “His name’s Jensen Ackles.”

“Honey, you are not going to win Jensen Ackles over in a day.”

“Why am I the only one who doesn’t know who he is?” 

“You were away at school when the shit hit the fan and he got a lot of publicity.”

“There was shit hitting fans?” he asked as he filled the dog’s bowls. 

“Big time. Maybe you should look it up. I only remember being really offended.”

“Mike said to look it up.” 

“How is Mike?” 

“He’s good, he’s Mike, nothing much changes. Y’know, him and Tommy they’re pretty even keeled.”

“Well, it’s good to hear someone is. You want to come over for dinner Saturday?”

“The rough cut of Jensen’s episode should be done by then and I want to drop it off to him myself; I figured it was another opportunity.”

“You’re going to put him on TV?” 

“Yes. Why, should I not?” 

“I really think you need to look him up.”

They spoke for only a few more minutes and he said finally, “I’m gonna go, Momma.” They hung up with promises of love and seeing each other soon. He got himself a beer and settled down on the couch with his computer. What he found left him with a sour taste in his mouth that had nothing to do with his PBR.

~~~ 

His bed was warm and comfortable while the phone ringing was possibly the most horrible noise he could imagine. Jensen grappled for the receiver, “Yeah?” 

“Did I wake you?” 

“Yes. Who is this?” 

“Jared.”

“Are you drunk? How do you have my number?”

“Preliminary release forms. I googled you.”

“Did I sleep through it? Because I don’t remember that.”

“No, I searched for you in Google.”

“Please tell me you were looking for picture to jerk off to because otherwise this is going to be awkward.” 

“I cannot believe people would say those things.”

“Awkward. Look, I liked that you didn’t know who I was.” 

“I can’t believe that some dick would out you after sleeping with you for months. I can’t believe people would think that you and she were trying to ‘breed’ gay children. And I can’t believe that you were brave enough to ignore it all because you liked the state and wanted to stay in your hometown. I am so disgusted that anyone could say that she died because God thought it was wrong it’s just-”

“Jared, I’ve never googled myself and I would rather not know what they said. Okay? I don’t really care that much but I still don’t want to know.”

“Never?” 

“Well, when I was famous the first time there wasn’t a Google with which to google myself. And afterwards, after all that, why would I want to know?” 

Jared swallowed audibly, “You played Carnegie Hall?”

“A few times. I was eleven the first time. It was really awesome. I could barely sleep for a week beforehand. I got to play in front of nearly three thousand people.” 

“You’re the third ranked living concert pianist on Earth.” 

“Yep.”

“So why don’t you play?” 

“Because it’s not fun anymore. Dude, it’s nearly midnight.”

“I’m not airing the episode.”

“Too weird as it’s not a couple?”

“I don’t want to thrust you back into the spotlight. They’ll edit it. I’ll bring you the copy so Jamie has it but I’m not willing to do that to you. I hope Jamie isn’t too disappointed.”

Jensen felt himself melt a little. Concern for his son always did that to him. “Jared-”

“I’m not a bad person, Jensen, I’m vain and egotistical but I’m not a bad person. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. And you play beautifully. There’s videos online. You used to laugh like Jamie, and ramble like him in interviews. I want to take you out on a date.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m not out to hurt you or Jamie. You’re hot, smart, and nice if a bit cold. I just want to take you to dinner.” 

“I don’t date.” 

“Oh.” He paused. “I don’t have a witty rejoinder for that.” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. I still want you to bring the tape.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you then. Night, Jared.” He hung up and sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. There was no way he was going to get back to sleep. Instead he got up to put in a DVD of Jared cooking. He could feel ashamed in the morning. 

~~~ 

There was a lull. Jared made himself let there be a lull. He wasn’t going to call. He was going to wait. On Friday he had the tape and he felt that was long enough. It was nearly dusk when he pulled up in front of the Ackles’ house and rang the doorbell. He waited for a moment before he saw Jamie looking at him out the window and opening the door. “Hi, Chef Jared. What are you doing here?” 

“Came to bring you your tape.”

“Cool!” 

“Yeah, is your Daddy here?” 

“He’s getting ready; it’s date night.” 

Jared felt himself getting pissed. Jensen had lied. And honestly? He could cope with being told that Jensen didn’t want to date him but outright lying was just stupid. Heavy footsteps came behind Jamie and Jensen said, “Baby why did you open the door? Oh, Jared, hey. Jamie, you wearing your good shoes?” 

“Of course, it’s date night.” He pointed down to tiny loafers.

Jensen smiled at Jared, “Friday night: we go to dinner and a movie.” It all made sense, really adorable sense. 

“We wear good shoes, and not jeans, and Daddy puts on cologne. We used to have game night with Aunt Macky but she got a boyfriend and started going on dates so now Daddy and I go on dates too and Macky’s marrying the boy she goes on dates with.” 

“Where do you go for dinner?” 

“There’s a health place. It avoids the big eight and is really fastidious about the others. They like Jamie.” 

Jared thought that what they liked was having someone as famous as Jensen in their clientele but aloud he said, “That’s awesome. I just came by to drop off the tape. We’ll re-edit it if you want.” 

“Daddy says it’s not going on TV.”

“No, but I still want you to like it so if you want us to change something you just let me know.” 

Jensen looked at his watch and said, “I’m sorry, we’ve got to run. We have a reservation and they get so busy on Fridays.”

“Go, have fun.” 

Jamie looked at his dad then asked Jared, “Do you want to come on date night?”

Looking at the boy Jared realized something. He was the kid’s idol but his presence was not desired for the night out on the town. The night was just supposed to be for him and his dad. “No, Jamie, I hate being the third wheel.” 

“You still want to cook with us?” asked Jamie swaying back and forth.

This was just the opening Jared needed and he said, “I would love to cook with you. How about next week? What’s a good night?” 

“Tuesdays are always best. Come around four-thirty,” said Jensen he was studying Jared’s face but Jared faked obliviousness. 

“Awesome, do you want me to bring anything?” 

Shaking his head Jensen said, “Just your sparkling personality.”

Jared smiled even though Jensen’s tone had a slight edge, “Great, Tuesday. You have a good date.” 

“Thanks,” Jensen put the DVD down on the side table in the hall and pulled the front door shut. “We’ll see you then.” 

~~~

It felt like weeks to Jensen. He removed the Dinner for Two disks from his room. It was embarrassing to jerk off to videos of someone once you knew them. Or, at least, it was if the other person wasn’t aware. If Jared knew it would be a very different situation. Climbing the walls seemed like a good option. Mackenzie came over to hang out, Josh kept calling, and they both knew before he told them. 

“How do you know?” he asked them each.

“Annie,” they both replied. 

“Typical.” 

Josh had said, “Jen, I don’t want to be indelicate.” 

“Right.”

“But any condoms you have are past their use by date.” 

“Dude!”

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I just thought it needed to be said.”

“Really? Look, he’s coming to cook and eat. I don’t need condoms at all, expired or not. It’s dinner.”

“Okay, but keep it in mind for the future or something.” He paused awkwardly. “I just don’t want you knocking him up.”

“Funny.” He heard a knock and said, “Mackenzie is at my front door. Talk to you later.”

“Jensen,” his brother said quickly before he could hang up, “all joking aside. I’m really proud you’re having him for dinner. I know it’s not a date but he’s someone who isn’t family being permitted to come to dinner in your house and that is so awesome. Mom’s been crying happy tears ever since you told her. It’s brave of you and I know that I can’t really understand how you feel but I’m proud nonetheless.”

Jensen swallowed and said, “Thanks, Josh. I’m kind of scared and I needed that.”

“It’s going to be okay. Love you. Now let our sis in.”

“Love you too,” he replied and hung up. Opening the door he said, “Josh says hi.” 

“I took the afternoon off. I’m going to help you, or dress you, or keep Jamie busy, whatever you need.”

“You’re a good baby sister. I’m sorry Josh and I used to hold you down and fart in your face.” 

“Apology accepted. What am I doing?”

“You’re double checking that the house is as spotless as I think it is and covering Jamie while I’m in the shower.”

“Okay, absolutely. I’ve got this. Go shower.” 

As Jensen got into the shower he heard the vacuum being turned on and tried to relax. It was a cooking lesson for chissakes. Of course that was mostly cover. It was Jared’s obvious way of getting a date without calling it a date. Jamie would be there to chaperon. It was just cooking. 

~~~

It was too early; he was five minutes early. He looked at his watch and considered going around the block but it was kind of hard to miss an electric blue convertible so it would be better to just be early. It wasn’t a date: it was dinner. He kept reminding himself of that. Dinner doesn’t mean date. So being a few minutes early was not the end of the world. Pulling up in front of the house he shook out his muscles, parked, and then went to the front door. The girl who opened it was tall and thin. 

“Mack?” he guessed. 

“Jared,” she responded. “It’s nice to meet you. Jen just got out of the shower. Come on in.” She stood in the hallway looking at him and said, “I feel I shouldn’t do what I’m about to do.” 

“Don’t let it stop you.”

“I know this isn’t a date, but if you fuck this up I’m going to hurt you.” 

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “It’s sort of secretly a date.”

“I know,” she nodded and then called, “Jamie, Chef Jared is here.” 

Jamie came out of the living room saying, “Hi, Chef Jared. How are you?”

“I’m great, Jamie, what are you up to?” 

“Iron Chef is on.” 

“What’s the secret ingredient?” 

“Honey. You want to come watch with me?”

“Absolutely.” Jamie took Jared’s hand in his own and led him into the living room and onto the couch. The chefs were using the anti-griddle to make honey patterns freeze like glass. Jared wanted an anti-griddle badly even though he wasn’t sure why he felt he needed one. 

Jamie asked, “Chef Jared, do you have an anti-griddle?” 

“No but I want one.” Jamie leaned against his side and Jared ran his fingers through the boy’s hair, “How’s school going this week?”

“They put Tim Morgan in a different class and I kind of miss him. He’s my friend.” 

“He could have hurt you.”

“I know… Honey ice-cream isn’t very original.” 

“No, they could have at least done a honey flan.” 

Jamie looked up at him and said, “Chef Jared, I like you.”

“Cool, I like you too. I think you’re really awesome. You know, you don’t have to call me Chef Jared. My name is Jared and you can call me that.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

~~~

Jensen walked in and looked at the pair curled up and then at the screen and said, “I want an anti-griddle but I don’t even know what I’d do with it. Jamie, why don’t you pause this? We can watch it later.”

“Okay, don’t tell me who wins though.”

“Deal.” They walked into the kitchen and Jensen said, “We’re making oven mac and cheese with bacon and quick bread.”

“How do you make bread? What flour do you use?” 

“Sprouted spelt flour which rises really fast.” He started pulling things out of the cupboards saying, “I figured we’d do oven mac and cheese because you had issues with cheese and this has two big steps with the cheese that need to be done correctly. The main thing to remember about fake cheese is that it’s not going to melt really. You can try but you won’t win, ever. And the people who say they’ve made one that melts well? They’re lying. None of them will ever melt like real cheese.”

“So how do you make mac and cheese at all?” 

“You work around it. You cook the pasta so that the sauce doesn’t need to; you make the basic sauce and then throw in the cheese. And toast it oven really quickly so the cheese can’t solidify.” 

He made the bread quickly, talking to Jared throughout, telling him about not kneading it because of the flour’s limitations. It sort of felt like being on a cooking show. Putting it aside to rise Jensen was quickly getting out new things, margarine, flour, soy milk, salt, pepper, and the fake cheese. 

The cheese was a fine dust and Jared asked, “Where do you get it grated that finely?”

“Oh, I um, I prepared this earlier.” Jensen laughed; it really was like being on a cooking show. 

~~~

Jared felt his smile widening and said, “Are you trying to steal my job?”

“I like to do it in advance so we can eat sooner.” He put the pasta and broccoli water on to boil.

“So, Jared,” said Jamie pushing himself up onto the counter, “Next we make a roux, you know how to make a roux, but we do it with margarine because I’m allergic to butter and our milk doesn’t have carigin.”

“Carrageenan,” corrected Jensen. He handed things to Jamie who started mixing them in a pan and put the bread into the oven and the pasta and broccoli into the pots with boiling water. “Okay, we need bacon.” 

Jared didn’t participate, just watched the pair working together. Jamie made the cream sauce practically by himself; Jensen was just keeping an eye on him as he cut up the bacon and threw it in a pan. “Okay, what do we need next, baby?” 

“Don’t call me baby in front of Jared,” whined Jamie. “The sauce needs the cheese.” 

Jensen took it off the heat and poured the cheese in, stirring quickly, “See, grating it this much makes it so that it doesn’t need to melt in. It just needs to be mixed.” He drained the pasta and whipped it into the sauce in a glass casserole dish. Opening the second oven he said, “You can make it golden and crispy on top by putting it under the broiler for seven minutes. Any longer and the cheese solidifies and goes to rubber.” He stirred the bacon and said, “We like our bacon nice and crispy with mac and cheese are you a soft bacon person?” 

“No, I like it crispy.” 

“Great,” He stirred and then leaned down to check on the bread. “Done.” He pulled it out and said, “This needs to rest for ten minutes.” He next drained the broccoli.

“You know, watching you two do this as a pair is a bit like watching Iron Chef. Jamie is the one in charge though.” 

Jensen laughed and tried the bacon, “I know. That’s done.” He poured it onto paper towel and said, “Let me pull the dish out of the oven and then it can all sit for a few minutes. Jamie, would you please set the table for me?” 

“Yeah,” Jamie pushed himself off the counter and pulled utensils and paper napkins out of a drawer. 

“Cranberry juice or lemonade?” 

“Cranberry juice, please,” said Jamie. 

“Jared, glass of wine?” Jared gave him a small smile. “I won’t be mean this time.” 

“Sure, I would love a glass of wine.”

“You were mean to Jared?” Jamie butted in and Jared smiled at Jensen, letting him answer.

“I was, I got flustered and mean.” He opened the fridge and said, “Pinot Noir, I think. Right? It’s been a long time since I’ve drank with diner.”

“That would be great, not too heavy.” 

“That’s what I thought,” Jensen poured the wine. “Damn it! I forgot to warm the plates.” 

Jared really wanted to hug the guy. Because Jensen? He was fucking adorable. “It’s a Tuesday night dinner. Tuesday night dinners do not require warmed plates.” 

“Yes, but dinners with real live chefs do.” 

“Please, watching you two? I feel like an amateur. You just did all that in a little over an hour.”

“I know; we’re awesome.” He started dishing out and then blushed in a way that made Jared’s blood flow south. “Do you mind if I just serve this up?” 

“No, go for it, that’s great, thanks.”

They sat down and Jamie said, “Y’know, we really do like your show. Daddy watches it in bed.”

Jensen choked on his sip of wine. And Jared smiled saying, “Cool, I was watching videos of your Daddy playing the piano in bed the other night.”

“He’s amazing right?” 

“He has very talented hands,” Jared nodded.

~~~ 

Jensen wanted the floor to just swallow him. He could feel his blush rising, felt his face get hot. Then a hand settled on his thigh and it was the least sexual thing Jensen could imagine. It just felt warm and comforting and he looked up to see Jared smiling in a sort of secret way. It was as though Jared thought a six year old revealing his dad’s masturbatory practices was amusing and cute.

Jamie told some stories from his day as they ate and quizzed Jared about specific episodes of his show. Jared’s hand remained on Jensen’s thigh throughout the meal and it wasn’t awkward. Once they were done Jensen said, “Okay, Jamie, an hour ‘til bed. What do you want to do?”

“Call Ma and Pa and watch the rest of Iron Chef.”

“We can do that.” Jensen started to push his chair back and Jared allowed his hand to slide off in a still casual way. He quickly gathered the plates and said, “Jared, relax, digest.” He put the plates on the counter and handed Jared the bottle of wine. “Drink this. Jamie, let me dial for you.”

“Ma and Pa?” asked Jared, accepting the bottle of wine.

“The Palickis.” Jensen smiled as he grabbed the phone. 

“My parents?” 

“No, Tricia’s. Palickis: there’s no ‘d’.” He dialed quickly and put it to his ear, “Hey, Pa.”

“Jen, hey boy. How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you?” He could feel his smile spread but he couldn’t help it. His father-in-law always sounded so excited to hear his voice that he was slightly ashamed of the fact that he didn’t call more.

“Are you really good? I thought you were supposed to have a date tonight.” 

“Jared came over for dinner; we just finished but Jamie wanted to call and have a chat.”

“Is he a good one? Do we like him because you know: we worry about you two boys. And, Jen, we want you to be happy. So, he’s a good one?” 

He grimaced slightly, “Yeah, maybe, possibly. I don’t know what to do about that. Anyway, here’s Jamie.” 

“Jen!” he heard but passed it off fast. Smiling at Jared he said, “You aren’t drinking?” 

“I have to drive and I’ve already had three.”

“Sorry, yeah, coffee?” Jensen put the dishes into the washer.

“I’m really okay on the beverage front. Honestly, what can I do to be helpful?”

“Nothing, honestly, let’s just go through into the living room… or something.” 

“Would it be easier if I wanted coffee?” 

“Yes, actually, maybe.” Jamie left the room talking quickly. “Sorry.” 

“You’ve got a virtual stranger in the kitchen who has already said he thinks of you while jerking off and you just talked to your father-in-law: you’re allowed to be flustered. I would love a coffee.” 

Jensen really appreciated that Jared had glossed over the fact that Jamie had started the masturbation conversation by pointing out that Jensen was a self-abusing fool. “Thank you.” 

“I like coffee.” 

Laughter came from the living room and Jamie’s raised voice said, “No, Ma, you’re silly… yeah, I wanna come over. Sure, I bet Daddy would like to too.” 

“He’s roping us into something.”

“Are you close to you parents-in-law?” asked Jared.

“Yes.” He paused as he got the coffee out of the freezer. “Tricia and I were such good friends in college and in the summer we were always back and forth between our parents’ houses so I was pretty close to them before we got married.” He busied himself with the kettle and didn’t look at Jared. He still didn’t want to talk about her. “I’m really sorry, can we-” 

“Is teaching at all rewarding? Because when someone isn’t a good cook I just get irritated and push them out of the way so I can do it myself.” Jared’s quick switch was noted and appreciated. 

“Yeah, I get that. I don’t know… I started in college. I used to tutor people on strings to get beer money… My friend Tommy was the worst guitarist I have ever heard. He got a bit better eventually but he always sort of… awful and he really prepared me for my idiot students. But sometimes it’s really hard when they suck and I know they’re not gonna get better. When they have no potential I get bored and apathetic.”

“Wow, that’s harsh.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“I actually like it when it’s not pointed at me.” 

“I really am sorry about the other night. I just…”

“You haven’t dated since she died. I came into your house, talked about her, and tried to ingratiate myself with you.” 

“You did.” Jensen poured the boiling water into the coffee press and said, “That still doesn’t make it okay.” As he pumped the press he asked, “How do you take your coffee?” 

“Soy milk, three sugars.”

“Usually soy milk?” 

“Lactose intolerant. I only ever use it in cooking. If it’s to drink then I never touch dairy. It’s not worth the possible vomiting.”

“You’re lactose intolerant?”

~~~

Jared heard the soft tone and said, “My inability to digest lactose makes you like me more?” 

Blushing Jensen looked away and pushed the handle of the press down a final time, “There’s nothing that could hurt Jamie in this house. The fact that you drink soy is just… sort of endearing.” He poured out the coffee and fixed Jared’s before handing it over.

Jamie came back in and said, “Ma and Pa want us to have date night with them. Ma wants to cook and Pa wants to rent a film.”

“Cool, that sounds good. You want to finish Iron Chef?” 

“Yes, please.” 

“Okay. Jared, do you want to come watch?”

“I haven’t seen that one so I would, yes.” 

Jared smiled at Jensen trying to show that there was no pressure, he wasn’t asking for anything other than time. They watched the episode, commenting on the cool stuff. Jensen put Jamie to bed after handing Jared the remote, “I’ll be back, I mean, if you want to stay. It’ll take a while,” he said lifting Jamie who was half asleep. 

“No, I’ll stay, there’s a Food Network Challenge next,” Jared smiled easily.

As he came back into the room, twenty minutes later, Jared smiled at him could hear Tricia singing. “I’ve had a thought about our not date.” 

“Not date?” repeated Jensen. 

“I want to go to dinner with you but you don’t date so it won’t be a date. I won’t pick you up, or pay, or try to get you naked at the end.” 

“I don’t think I said yes yet.”

“Just wait. This house is totally safe, nothing… is real an offensive word?”

“Not so long as you don’t say it in front of Jamie. It isn’t real, I agree. But I don’t want him… he knows that other kids don’t eat like him but he doesn’t realize how differently he eats.”

“When was the last time you ate something real?”

“I went out to dinner with Chris recently.”

“How recently is recently?” 

“Um… ten months ago.” 

“Recently,” he said sarcastically. “Here’s what’s going to happen when you decide to say yes to our not date. You will meet me at Tresetta, it’s an Italian place, amazing. It has this awesome bread, and butter, and nuts, and seafood, a pear tart to die for. So we meet, we eat, talk, and get to know each other better. And then you follow me back to my apartment, you will brush your teeth, shower, you will put on new clothes, you will come home to Jamie knowing that you can kiss him goodnight without risking his health, I will return your clothes when I see you next. At no point in time will I put the moves on you; we’ll just eat pear tarts.”

“Yes.”

“Yes I won’t hit on you or yes you’ll come on this not date?” 

“I’ll come on the not date. Tresetta at eight on Saturday?”

They would meet after Jensen put Jamie to bed. It made perfect sense. “Absolutely, eight. I can’t believe you said yes.”

“So why did you ask?” 

“Well, I was planning on asking every Tuesday until you said yes.” 

“Every Tuesday? What happens on Tuesdays?”

“That’s the night that’s always best for cooking with you.”

“So you were gonna cook with us until I said yes?”

“No, I’m going to keep cooking with you on Tuesdays so long as you let me. I like Jamie, I like learning about new food. And what you made tasted like real food.”

“I miss real food, it wouldn’t matter to Jamie as long as it was good, but I want it to taste real.”

“Hence our not date based wholly on food.”

“I like you. I mean I’m not just going with you on the basis of food.” 

“I’m glad. That’s good.” 

“But I honestly can’t-”

“It’s not a date, Jensen, I promise. You don’t need to talk about anything you don’t want to. You don’t need to be super vivacious. There’s no expectations. I like you and I think you’re attractive. But I just want to go out to dinner with you, hang out, and maybe we’ll be friends eventually but right now we’re just going to hang out.” 

“Okay.” 

“Excellent,” Jared drained his third cup of coffee, “You look tired.” It was a little after nine but Jared said, “So good night and thank you for a fantastic meal.” 

~~~

Jensen re-dressed five time. Eventually Josh said, “Dude, you are my brother and I love you but right now I almost understand why people beat up gay people.” 

“No one asked you to be my quote outfit coordinator, which by the way, makes you sound more gay than me. I love these jeans… are they too daddy?” 

“A little, they’re kinda baggy in the hip in a strange way. Nice color though.” 

“Josh, you aren’t useful.”

“I liked the first tee shirt and the third jeans.” Josh pushed himself off the bed. “You’re gonna be late.”

“Shut up.” He shimmied into his good jeans and said, “He’ll wait.”

“So this isn’t a date?” 

“No. It’s not a date. It’s two guys who find one another attractive eating a meal and talking.”

“How is that not a date?”

“We’re not going to get naked.” 

“So it’s not a third date.”

“No, Josh, it’s not a date, leave me alone.” 

“I’m gonna go check on Jamie.”

“Thank you, make sure he’s asleep and okay,” He grabbed his wallet and kissed his brother’s cheek. “Thanks.”

“Dude, you know you’re welcome. Try to be nice and not get aggressive if he makes you uncomfortable.”

“I’ll try.” 

“Good, have fun. I’ll see you later and if you want to stay (I’m not pressuring you, okay? I’m not) I will see you in the morning.”

“I’m not going to stay.” 

“Okay, I’ll see you later.” Josh leaned forward and kissed Jensen’s cheek. “Have fun; eat something with cream sauce or something.”

~~~

Jared was wondering if Jensen was going to show up. He was thinking about ordering and just enjoying a meal when he saw Jensen walk in. Jensen slid in with a sort of awkward, embarrassed smile, “My brother was being difficult.” 

“That’s okay, I got scared there.” 

“I would have called.”

“Good to know for next time.” A waitress came by and Jared said, “half a bottle of the house white and another of red.” To Jensen he said, “Do you mind? I just don’t see a point in pretention with dinner. Plonk is perfectly fine.” Jensen nodded. 

She left and Jensen said, “Jared-”

“Sorry-” 

“No, no, I was going to thank you.” 

“For what?” 

“For stating that there is going to be a ‘next time’ when there’s barely a ‘this time’ and I know that you’re trying really hard.”

“I like you.”

“I have given you no reason to.” 

“You’re a good dad, you’re an amazing pianist, you’re a good friend to your family, when you aren’t actively being mean you’re cool. And, I watched a lot of YouTube. When you’re happy you are the most attractive man on Earth. And I know you aren’t happy right now, and I don’t want you to try to be something you aren’t, but I hope that I could make you a little happy. This might be pressure but I don’t mean it to be. I want there to be a lot of not dates.” 

“I’m glad you want there to be more of these.” The wine came and Jensen poured himself a glass of white. He took a sip and said, “Jared, I think you’re lovely.” Jared was silent and Jensen said, “Say anything so that I can look up and this can be less awkward.” 

“I’m trying not to grope you under the table, gimme a minute.” 

Jensen laughed, “You’re kind, clever, funny, you make my kid laugh, you’re earnest; you’re lovely. If I was dating I would want to be dating you.”

“Not joking about the under table groping.” Jared said smiling from beneath his bangs. “You know, you should, like, look at the menu or something.” 

“I used to come here a lot; I already know what I want.”

“You didn’t say you’d been! I thought this was exciting and new.”

“I’ve been going through the menu mentally all week so this was highly exciting.” The waitress came back and Jensen said, “Can I please have the shrimp and scallop alfraedo over the whole wheat and a side of the avocado, tomato, and mozzarella salad?” 

“Absolutely, Jensen, it’s nice to see you, by the way.”

“You too, Cam.” Jared related his own order and she left. “See, I was prepared.” 

“You know the waitress and everything?” 

“This is actually where I last ate out. I like this place.” He took a piece of bread from the basket in the center and spread it thick with butter. “I haven’t eaten like this in years.” 

“I thought it was ten months?” 

“Well, after dinner with Chris I went straight home so I was pretty careful with what I ordered. It wasn’t too dangerous. What I just ordered was totally out of the question.” 

“So definitely coming back to mine?” 

“Oh, I’m gonna need a shower that’s for sure.” 

“Great.” Jared beamed then awkwardly added, “That you’re coming to shower and not, y’know, track something home or, y’know, whatever.” 

“I think it’s my job to be nervous, not yours.” 

“Cool, you take that role I’ll work on the not coming off sleazy role.” 

“Why did you want to be an engineer? What sort of engineering did you want to do?” 

“Mechanical. I liked seeing how things worked. I used to take apart all my toys and put them back together. It was fun and as my toys got more complex it became more fun. I just wanted to figure out how to make things that worked.” 

“And then you got hungry?” Jensen asked. 

“I was so homesick, two thousand miles away from my momma homesick, and all I wanted was good food. I wasn’t yet eighteen when I left and I wasn’t really ready. I used to go to summer camp for six weeks each summer but my brother was always at the same camp. My family is so close and then to suddenly be away from them was hell. Food made it better and you have to put ingredients together to make food work so it almost made sense. And it helped make me lots of friends because people like being fed. I’ve always liked having lots of friends and when I got to school I was this tall, gay, awkward yet self-satisfied Texan and no one really liked me that much then I could cook and became comfortable and happy and everyone started thinking of me as Jared. So food is good; food makes sense.” 

“I never went away from the state. I went to UT.” 

“Yeah, but you went touring everywhere.” 

“Always had family with me, one of my parents, or siblings, or Tricia… I took the state with me.” The food came and Jensen said, “I love how fast this place is.” He picked up his fork and practically growled at the first bite. 

Jared laughed, “Good?” 

“I haven’t had shrimp in over two years. In fact, I had scampi the last time I had a date. He cooked; I dumped.” 

“Dude, you shouldn’t dump someone on the night they cook for you.” 

“It was weeks in the making I didn’t know he was going to cook.” 

Jared just laughed. “That is cruel, man.”

“No, it was amicable.” 

“Is that right? So you were friends afterwards,” Jared’s tone was teasing.

“Well, it would have been. But that was a week before Tricia died and then I didn’t have any time to be friends with him.”

“And you haven’t been a date since?” 

“Jamie. He needed me for a long time. He needed me home.” 

“Right.”

“Displacement. Right? I’m saying my son needed me home because in actuality I need to justify my inability to deal with society and my hermit lifestyle.” 

“No, not at all. It may be transference, I don’t know. But I know he needs his dad and you need your boy so if it’s justification I think it’s… justified.” 

“But sometimes I really miss real food.” 

“I think not dates should become a weekly thing; it would be good for you.”

“That might be true.” 

~~~

They started talking about how badly the Cowboys were sucking and argued about the Mavs and the Spurs. Conversation about sports dominated the meal; Jensen was thrilled it was going so well and so easily. After ordering dessert Jared said, “I wouldn’t have thought a pianist would have such strong feelings about the Spurs.”

“I used to want to be a cheerleader. I really thought I could change the outcome of the game with my enthusiasm.”

“Cheerleader?” 

“Uh-huh.”

“Why didn’t you do it in college?” 

“I was over it by then. But if I’d gone to high school I would have done it. As it was I was touring and being home schooled.” 

“Do you wish you’d gone to school?”

“No, not at all. I had friends from the neighborhood who I saw when I was home and I was always kinda quiet so I don’t think I would have liked school much, I didn’t make friends very easily. And while everyone else was going to school every morning I got to go around the world playing music. I just played music and had fun and did my work. I stopped going to school when I was ten and I don’t regret that. But I loved college. I didn’t study music, the professors couldn’t teach me, so I read books, did Lit. A lot of my friends went there and I made a lot of friends and I met Tricia.” 

“How did you meet?” 

Jensen smiled at the memory. It didn’t feel so horrible to talk about it with Jared, not after Jared had talked so much about cooking and engineering. “When I was tutoring she came in and said, ‘I’ll pay you for the hour but you don’t need to teach me anything I just need to play with someone here to listen.’ She got out her cello and she played so well I was speechless. We became really close and played together all the time, it was so much fun.” Jensen ate his Crème Brûlée with relish and he said, “Jared, I’m really glad we did this.” 

“You want to do it next Saturday?” He asked and then said, “I know you said you liked the idea of us doing this more, but y’know, Saturday?” 

“Absolutely, this was a great idea.” The separate checks came and Jensen said, “This is really good.”

“Follow me to my place?” 

“Yeah, excellent.” 

On the way to Jared’s he phoned Josh, “I may be a little in love with him but it still wasn’t a date.”

“A little bit in love?” 

“He’s lovely,” Jensen repeated his words from earlier. “I’m going to his place to shower.” 

“And have sex, right?” 

“No, Josh, to shower.” 

“And shower means sex, right?” 

“Josh, I’m hanging up if you don’t stop. How’s Jamie?” 

“He hasn’t woken up; he’s fine. I’m watching Degrassi on your TV.” 

“The original or the Next Generation?” 

“The original sucks.”

“They both suck, Josh, I’ll be home later.” 

“Get laid!”

“Shut up, Josh.” He hung up on his brother’s laughter.

Jared’s house wasn’t huge, it was nice and normal. And the minute he followed Jared in the door he was accosted by giant dogs. “Babies, get back. Jensen isn’t used to you.” 

Instead of freaking out Jensen just kneeled down and said, “Hi, guys, I’ve heard so much about you from the TV. Harley, I’m glad to see the operation went so well.” He stroked them both until then calmed down and then straightened-up. “I like big dog. My family are big dog people. Jamie wants a big dog but I told him he has to wait for his birthday.” 

“He’s not allergic?”

“Not to dogs, no.” Jensen smiled, still stroking Sadie’s head. “Whose a good girl?” He said in a silly tone of voice. 

~~~

His brain melted, full on melted, because Jensen was talking stupid to his dogs. Proper, eloquent Jensen was petting his dogs and baby-talking them. He had to step back slightly as the urge to throw Jensen up against the wall assaulted him. “Glass of wine, some chocolate, then a shower?” He asked trying to rein himself in. 

Jensen looked up, studied him and said, “Is this like when you said that you couldn’t drink milk and I got all soft?” 

“Kids and dogs aren’t the same, Jensen. So this reaction isn’t the same. I wouldn’t put my puppy love on the same scale as your relationship with Jamie.” 

Smiling Jensen said, “You’re totally having the same reaction though.” 

“A lot of people don’t like big dogs so it’s just nice.” 

“A lot of people don’t try to date men with kids,” Jensen shrugged. “Neither of us are a lot of people.” 

“Who doesn’t like kids?” asked Jared as he walked through to the kitchen. He pulled out a bottle of wine and bars of chocolate out of the fridge. 

“That ex I was talking about, for one.” 

Jared gaped, “What? What was he thinking would happen with Jamie?” He busied himself by pulling out glasses. The very thought and implication made him feel ill. 

“I got the impression, after a while, that he thought Jamie was an accessory that could be dumped. He got angry when I picked bedtime rituals over dates. And he said, ‘Wouldn’t you rather be spending time with your boyfriend?’ and I said, ‘Midweek? I’d rather be having cuddling TV time with my four year old.’ It wasn’t going to last. He was a cat person, which should have been the first clue.” 

“Do you not like the Tuesday scheme?” Jared poured the wine. “Because I would be fine if-”

“You like Jamie, and cooking with him; you like talking to him. And you didn’t mind when I went off with him for a half hour to brush his teeth, and chat and pick out music. I liked the ‘Tuesday scheme’ a lot. As long as you don’t mind-”

It was Jared’s turn to interrupt, “He’s six. He needs to have his dad to be home midweek, to hang out, and put him to bed without rushing. Plus, again, he’s six. He’s going to grow out of wanting cuddle time too soon you need to be there for that. He’s your baby even if he doesn’t like it being said in front of me.” He handed Jensen a glass. “When we met I thought Jamie was your boyfriend. And I thought you were crazy. I couldn’t imagine choosing to be with someone with food allergies. Food’s way too awesome to put up with some guy who can’t eat things. And then I met Jamie and… you are so lucky. He’s amazing. I don’t have illusions about having kids. I don’t have a Trisha in my life. I don’t think he’s ever going to have a problem with dating either. He’s way too entertaining to have any restriction hold him back.”

Jensen laughed, “He has a girlfriend at school, Charisma. They’re crazy about each other. Her mom makes sure her lunches are safe so that they can trade things. It’s very cute.” 

Sadie kept rubbing up against Jared and he said, “I know, I know.” He fed the dogs and washed his hands. “They’re sort of the masters of this house.” 

Jensen laughed, “I think that’s always the case. As a parent I know I’m not in control.” He unwrapped one of the bars of milk chocolate and broke off a lump. “I make the decisions but I’m wrapped around his finger.” He popped the chocolate into his mouth. He let it melt in his cheek. “I gotta tell you,” he said keep the chocolate pocketed between his teeth a cheek, “you sure know how to finish a not date.” 

“Chocolate is always a good way to finish the night.” Jared broke off a piece of his own. 

They ate the chocolate in silence, just enjoying the flavor mixed with the wine. And after a little while Jensen yawned and said, “I should shower and go.”

“There’s towels in the bathroom closet. Leave your clothes. I’ll wash them and get them back to you next Saturday, that way you don’t have to worry about bringing a change.” 

~~~

He washed, quickly and thoroughly, brushing his teeth twice and scrubbing himself under the hot spray. He threw his clothes into Jared’s hamper and dressed himself in comfortable jeans and a tee shirt. It wasn’t an impressive outfit but as he came into the kitchen Jared studied him, eyes sweeping up and down. “What?” Jensen looked down at himself.

“I’m reminding myself it’s a not date. You’re warm and damp and it’s not a date.” Jensen laughed quietly and Jared smiled, “One last cup of coffee?” 

Jensen could already smell it; Jared had clearly made it while Jensen had been in the shower. “Sure.” He sat down at the counter and watched as Jared gathered mugs, sugar, and soy milk. “So where do you want to go next Saturday?” 

Handing over a mug Jared said, “There’s this great bar with nut bowls on the table and they have great cheese burgers and most amazing coleslaw and mashed potatoes. It’s all butter and cheese.”

“That sounds fantastic,” Jensen drank his coffee and they sat in very comfortable silence. Once they were done he said, “I should go.” 

“Yeah, sure, thank you for coming out with me.”

“Thank you for making me. So, I’ll see you on Tuesday?” 

“This bells on.” Jared smiled, easily, happily and Jensen really wished he dated.

“With you? I’m not wholly sure you’re joking.” Jensen grabbed his coat. “Good night, Jared.” 

In the car he tuned out the radio and thought back over the night’s events. He dialed Annie and she picked up saying, “So how was the not date? Was it good? Will there be more?” 

He sighed, “Annie,” he didn’t know how to go on. 

“Are you alright?” 

“What am I going to do?”

“What the hell happened?” 

“He’s perfect and I don’t date.” 

“So not a bad thing?”

“A terrible thing,” he responded. “I don’t date.”

“Wait, so the not date was a not date with some flashy sort of showy celebrity and you wish it was a real date?” 

“He’s not that flashy without the cameras on. He’s cool.”

“So tell him that next time you’d like it to be a real date.”

“No, no, I’m not dating.”

“Okay, that’s fine,” there was no mockery in her voice. “I’m glad you had a nice time and that he’s awesome-cakes. Talk to you later, Jen.” 

~~~

Jared drank four more cups of coffee. He loved coffee, and sugar, and his dogs who were whining to go out again. “You wanna run, yeah y’do.” He stood and grabbed their leashes off the sideboard and said, “Now, Sadie, Harley’s hip isn’t one hundred percent yet so you gotta go easy. This is a nice jog, let’s be a team, babies.” 

As he went to the front door his phone rang and he answered quickly, “Hey, Mike.”

“How was the date that wasn’t?” 

“Really good. Sort of amazing. He never even threw me out on my ass.”

“Out of your own house? I would hope not.”

“Yeah, well, it was great. I’m going to cook with them Tuesday and we have another not date next Saturday.”

“Good for you, man, that’s great. So do you see this going anywhere?”

“I don’t know, not for a long while. He’s so involved with son and he misses his wife and I don’t really know if we could be more than this but I’m going to keep gently pursuing this. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere I want to be friends with him.”

“Fuck yeah. Stick with it. The gently gently method. Anyway, I’m off to sex up Tom. Goodnight.” 

“It has been, yeah,” Jared agreed and hung up. 

~~~

Jared was really pleased that Jensen hadn’t balked yet. They’d had eight not dates and it was going well. Jensen talked to him about things. He told him about his friends. He told him about his wife and her family, his family, music, and why Nicholas Sparks was a douche bag. In return Jared talked about food, his dogs, candy, his friends, his family, Xbox, Forensics competitions, and his straight period where he even got engaged. Laughing, Jensen told him that he had never experimented but said that he did go through a really slutty period freshman year of college. 

Jensen complained that he was getting fat from Saturday nights. Jared was kind of pleased about that because Jensen was kind of skinny. And Jared was aware that he couldn’t really speak on the subject because even though he worked out and had abs he also had a tummy. When he pulled up his shirt he could grab a handful of soft flesh but he didn’t care: it was his tummy. He was kind of worried about this week’s not date because on Tuesday, after Jamie had gone to bed, he’d asked Jensen to go to Mike’s barbeque with him. 

Jensen had started to look a little worried and then Jared had added, “I need a fake boyfriend. As my not boyfriend you seem like the perfect candidate.” 

“You want me to pose as your boyfriend?” 

“There’s a dude, he hits on me at all of these things. And Mike has a barbeque on the second Saturday of every odd month.”

“That’s a very strange schedule.”

“Mike’s a strange man. So see, this dude is nice and he’s been hitting on me for months now and I’m starting to feel really badly because I really don’t like him at all. There’s something really dickish just under the surface.” 

“So how long will this hell last?” 

“It’ll be fun, you’ll like it. Mike and Tom are fun. And if you feel inundated we can just touch in a vaguely too familiar way in front of said dude and leave.” 

“Jared, how long?”

“Five to eleven. Please?”

“Of course. I’m excited to meet your friends.” 

But now that Jared was getting dressed he worried. His friends were all kind of… idiots. They were all foolish and Mike would get a game of wiffle ball and a karaoke contest going. The upside was that Jensen wouldn’t be forced to talk about himself too much. The only questions that would be thrown at him would be: would you like another beer, you’re tall will you be on our team, can you do a tenor, how do you like your stake, are you sleeping with Jared. They would be easy questions. But Jared was still concerned. The doorbell rang and he ran to it shouting, “Coming!” 

Jensen smiled as the door opened, “Hey, am I too early?”

“No, I just need shoes.” 

The dogs who’d been out in the back garden ran into the house and up to Jensen who, as always dropped to his knees. “Hi, guys, how’s it going?” he used the same baby voice as always. “Are you excited? We’re going to a barbeque. Yes we are.” 

“Jensen,” Jared whined. “I need to find shoes, it’s not fair.” 

Smiling up at him Jensen said, “I’ll stop being hot. Go search.”

“You’re not going to stop being hot, you just need to stop being awesome.” 

“I’m not sure that’s possible.” 

Jared laughed as he turned back to his mess of a bedroom. “Give me one more minute.” He threw shirts up in the air hoping to find his sneakers under one of the piles. 

~~~

“Dude,” said Jensen. “Your room is a mess. It’s the room of a teenager.”

“Hey, do I comment on your house keeping?”

“My house is as neat as a new pin.” 

“Yeah and it’s unnatural to not have at least one messy room. Besides, should you really be in my room? You might see the naked pictures of you that I found on the internet and printed out.”

“Really?” Jensen tried to figure out who could have taken naked pictures of him. Even when he was a teenager he had thought it was a bad idea. 

“No I’m joking… I didn’t print them just saved them to the hard drive.” 

“Who the hell has naked pictures of me?” Jensen really couldn’t fathom it.

“No, I’m still joking. They’re poorly photoshopped. Just some firefighter’s body and your head.”

“You’re no longer joking, are you? You know you might be disappointed if we ever… um.”

“I don’t want a firefighter, Jensen. I saved them because they’re funny. I sort of figured I’d end up printing them and postering them all over your house on your birthday. You wanna see them?” 

“God no, who the hell would think fans of classical music were such pervs?”

“They just want to see you naked. That’s hardly pervy. And you can tell that they are made by classical music fans because they’re so poorly made.”

Finally feeling more relaxed Jensen laughed just as Jared found his shoes. Jensen really didn’t want to go to the barbeque. In fact, he could think of many other things that he would rather do including but not limited to: having a root canal, breaking his leg, trying to teach poor, not-too-bright-sophomore Brian James guitar for twelve hours straight. But Jared had been so calm, and giving, and relaxed about the fact that Jensen was as skittish as a colt. It meant something to Jared. It wasn’t just that he needed a fake boyfriend. It was obvious that he wanted Jensen to meet his friends. So Jensen was going to get through it with a smile. He hadn’t been to a social party since his wife had died. He’d been to things required by the college and family things. The very idea of polite conversation over burgers with strangers kind of freaked him out to a state that made him feel foolish. 

He’d redressed for half the morning, everything from relaxed suits to shorts. It all looked fucking ridiculous. Jared had said “super laidback” when Jensen had asked about the dress code. But he thought that the pink shirt with a flute and the caption “Blow Me” printed on it might be too laid back. He’d ended up wearing it under a thin dark green sweater because the shirt reminded him of Tommy and Chris drunkenly stumbling into his dorm shouting, “Music Queer,” they used it as a direct address, “we got you a queer music shirt.” They’d giggled as they presented it to him and then dragged him away from his book to go to a party.

“You ready?” he asked as Jared pulled on his shoes. 

Jared said, “Help me get the dogs into my stupid SUV?”

“Not the convertible?”

“It’s not comfortable with the dogs. The SUV gets shit mileage so I don’t drive it unless I have my puppies.”

The dogs were quickly in the car and Jared drove with surety even though he talked and gesticulated and only ever had one hand on the steering wheel at any given time. It made Jensen nervous but Jared’s words were comforting. “If your uncomfortable, fake a call from Josh and just say something has come up and we can bolt. Even if you’re just bored. We can leave.” 

“Thank you, Jared, that’s not going to be necessary.” 

“But it is an option.”

As they pulled up in front of a big house Jared said, “Ready? Just have fun.” At the door the dogs were going crazy. “They love Tom and Mike.” 

The door opened and there was Tom. Not Mike’s Tommy, Jensen thought, my Tom Fucking Welling. He felt himself freeze and Jared started to say hey but Tommy cut him off. “Jared didn’t ambush you. He didn’t realize that I’m your Tommy. He even told me about you saying you ‘tried’ to teach your Tommy to play guitar which I take offense at because you *did*.”

“Everyone can play Smoke on the Water, Tommy, it’s not an accomplishment.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged. “The point is, Jared didn’t know. I figured that he might try to use the fact that his friend lives with your friend to his advantage and I didn’t want anything to fuck up your not dating. And it’s awesome that you’re, y’know, not dating because Jared’s nice and good if a little brash and too loud.”

“I’m right here,” says Jared sounding irritated. 

“Do you want to leave?” Tom asked Jensen without paying attention to Jared at all.

“No.”

“Everyone is here, Jen. They’re here; they’ll all be so pleased to see you and they’ll hug you. I haven’t hugged you yet because you still have the right to flee.”

“Not fleeing.” 

“Then,” Tom turned to Jared, “go away, Jared, go inside.”

“But, he’s posing as my boyfriend!” Jared whined.

“Posing?” asked Tom looking confused.

“To get rid of David,” explained Jared.

“Boreanaz?” asked Jensen and Jared nodded. “Oh, he’s the guy who doesn’t like kids or dogs. All I need to do is lay a hand on you and he will leave the party and never bother you again. But leave Tommy and me for a moment.” Jared nodded and went past Tom who went to Jensen and wrapped his arms around him.

“You changed your number.”

“I kept getting calls asking for statements.”

“You didn’t call me.”

“You weren’t bouncy. And I know that’s a really dickish thing to say. But Tricia was dead and you weren’t talking about curling your eyelashes, going dancing, or the size of your ass. And I know that you loved her. I know you were grieving but it made it more horrific. There was a dead Tricia and a flat Tommy and it all hurt. And I’m sorry. The only friend I’ve really spoken to much is Chris because he’s just so Chris about everything. I cut out everyone.”

“I know. It’s okay, I understand. How are you doing?”

“Better, I’m kind of not-seeing someone, so that’s a step. Jamie’s good. So y’know.” 

“Good, good. You ready to go inside or should I grab us beers and we can hide out upstairs?” asked Tommy finally releasing him from the hug. 

“Is everyone here?” 

“Well the people who matter, yeah.” 

“I’ve been speaking to Chris about Jared.”

“We decided on a tactic of bilateral unawareness. We just thought it would be easier for you to be comfortable without knowing that all of your friends had a stake in it. We like Jared. He’s a vain douche but he’s sweet and we just wanted you guys to have some time before you both knew. And he’s Mike’s best friend so we sort of had to adopt him in. Mike knew the second he saw you in the supermarket but he kept his mouth shut until we consulted.”

“So Mike and you?” 

“Little over a year and a half.”

“He seems a little touched,” said Jensen gently.

“You don’t know him that well.” Tom shook his head. “He’s completely fucking crazy. You’ll like him; he makes me look calm.”

“Excellent. I’m ready to go inside. Can I passively kick Dave out?”

“You can do whatever you like: you’re the guest of honor.”

“Am I a dick?”

“Usually yes. But on this subject I agree. He’s your ex, you were going to be friends, your wife died, and now at the first party you go to he’s here. I can just go in and tell him to leave because Jared just got here with his new boyfriend Jensen.” 

“No, I kind of want to be mean. It would really put me on an equilibrium.”

“Then I won’t fault you. I mean I’ve never liked him. He only is here because you said you were going to be friends and then disappeared.” 

“Sorry.”

“It was the one burden we, your friends, could shoulder for you.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Come in.” 

~~~

Jared was in the kitchen eating Gruyere fondue with apple slices as a fork. He was watching the front door and Tom’s back, waiting for an explosion. “Jay!” said Mike excitedly as he came over. 

“I brought Jensen. He and Tom are hugging on your front lawn. You could have given me the heads up.” 

“Dude, I didn’t want you exploiting the situation.” 

Jared thought and then said, “I so would have.”

“And Tommy and him haven’t spoken in a long time so it might not have worked to your advantage. This way you were two guys had a fresh start. And it’s working out, right? The whole ‘not-dating-but-dating-but-not’ thing you got going.” 

“Actually today is a pretend date. I need to get rid of David. And also you could have warned me that the guy I’m trying to ditch by using a pretend boyfriend is *in fact* said pretend boyfriend’s ex.” 

“Yeah, that might have been useful,” agreed Mike. “Look, he’s here now, he’ll probably have a good time. But,” said Mike and now he sounded, as he so rarely did, serious, “I hope you made up a code to leave because he might get seriously overwhelmed. He hasn’t seen a lot of people. He’s mostly just spoken to Chris.”

“We have a code.” 

“Good, then relax. Just enjoy yourself. It’s a barbeque.” He handed Jared a beer. “It’ll be fun.”

Jensen came in and there was a clamor. Chris shouted, “Motherfucker, boy!” and promptly jumped to Jensen who caught him in a hug. It was weird to realize that all of the friends Jared had made through Mike were Jensen’s friends. That all of the stupid crazy friends he’d wanted to introduce Jensen to were actually Jensen’s stupid crazy friends. 

Jason grabbed a red Solo cup and filled it from a pitcher on the table. “Voûte de Lumière Tombée,” He said handing it to Jensen who laughed. 

“You still make my drink?” 

“Make it? We still keep the recipe secret. It’s guarded.” 

Jared knew this to be true when he had asked for it everyone had instantly clamed up and Chris had said, “The inventor has asked that only he may pass on the secret; I’m sorry, grasshopper, I cannot teach you.” 

Jensen saw Jared watching him and smiled at him. Jared saw it, the realness, saw the relaxation. Jensen looked easily five years younger as he laughed at something Chris said. He cocked his head at Jared and raised an eyebrow. Taking the hint Jared crossed the room and as he saw him Chris laughed, “So the secret is out then?”

“You know, you really could have warned me.” Jensen sounded grumpy.

“Whatever, fucker, suck it up. What are you doing here anyway?” 

“We’re on a mission.” Turning to Jared he asked, “Where is he?” 

“The backyard, I saw him when I was letting the dogs loose.” 

“Go start talking to someone in the yard where he can see you. I will be there in a few minutes. If he comes over to hit on you, do not abort the mission just make sure his back is to the house. If said situation occurs and he flirts just be awkwardly uncomfortable don’t say that your boyfriend is here.” 

“You two are dating?” Chris interjected. 

Jensen held up a silencing finger, “Mission, Christian, do not question during briefing. Jared, do you have any questions on your assignment?” 

“No.” 

“Good, go, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

It was a great, hot Texas day and the humidity wasn’t bad. The dogs regrouped on him as soon as he walked out and he stroked them both and said, “Go on. Go play with your friends.” Chad’s dogs Nutclopse, Joe, Charlie, Tumtum, Annie, and Axel were running around with Tom’s dog Cook while David’s dogs Fritz and Bertha were both in the pool. It was good that the yard was so damn big and fenced in. Relaxing Jared swigged from his beer and saw Dave actually making a bee line towards him. Careful to position himself so that Dave would be forced to have his back to the house Jared waited. He acted as though the hand on his shoulder was a surprise and he turned with a polite smile.

“Dave, hey, I was just looking at your dogs.” 

“Before you got out here Sadie and Bertha were playing together. But Bertha’s getting a bit old for chasing games.” 

They spoke about their dogs (David’s enthusiasm over the topic was fake, they were for dating), and the good weather for a few minutes and Jared finally saw Jensen coming towards him. Jensen completely ignored Dave and instead said, “Babe, you have to try these things. They're like miniature Philly cheese steak sandwiches, they're delicious!” He held out the tiny sandwich for Jared to take a bite then popped the other half into his own mouth. Reaching down he casually took Jared’s hand then smiling he said, “Sorry, didn’t mean to inter-” he broke himself off as he turned to see Dave and then quickly dropped Jared’s hand. “David, hey. Wow, good to see you.” 

The silence was awkward and terse and Jared said, “You guys know each other?” 

“Yeah,” said David. “We dated a while back. It’s nice to see you too, Jen.” His voice was too calm, too even. “Everyone said you weren’t really hanging out yet.”

“Jared wanted me to meet all his friends. It’s just turns out I already know you all.”

“Ironic,” agreed Dave. “Sadly though, I can’t stay for this one. I have tee off in an hour.” 

“Bummer,” said Jensen emphatically. 

“I would miss it but it’s with work people.”

“No,” agreed Jensen, “maybe at the next barbeque we can catch up.” 

“Yeah, totally.” From David’s tone Jared could tell that he didn’t plan on coming to the next barbeque. David whistled to his dogs who came running and left quickly.

Coming over Chris said, “Dude, mean.” Jensen shrugged. “I get wanting to win the break up. But you’re lying to do so.” 

Retaking Jared’s hand Jensen sighed, “Not really.”

“You see,” said Jared, “we’re actually –secretly- dating. The whole not dating is just cover to make Jensen comfortable because the last guy he dated was this really handsome dude who didn’t like kids and isn’t very nice to his own dogs. But, I mean, neither of us would ever go on a not date with someone else because we’re exclusively not dating one another. We had to cover in front of Dave because he needed to know that Jen has won the break up and that he has to stop hitting on me. We won.” 

“He prefers cats to dog,” Jensen added. 

“Will you teach me to make Voûte de Lumière Tombée?” asked Jared. 

“Will you ever give out the recipe?” Jensen responded. 

“Only to save my own or someone else’s life, and I mean literally life and death,” he replied.

“Fair enough,” said Jensen, “let’s go make a new pitcher.” He kept a hold of Jared’s hand as they went towards the house. In the kitchen he grabbed one of the empty pitchers from the side and rinsed it out in the sink. “The thing to remember is that these things are deadly. You can’t have more than two if you want to drive home three hours after imbibing.” 

“Yeah, Tom said that the first time I tried it.” 

“Right, so,” Jensen went to the table covered in liquor and mixers, “it’s two parts tequila, two parts raspberry vodka, two parts coconut rum, two parts triple sec, two parts peach schnapps. That’s ten parts of alcohol. Then three parts orange juice, two parts cranberry juice, one part diet raspberry ginger ale, one part diet Goya Brand fruit punch soda, one part diet Sprite, one part lemon juice, one part lime juice. So it’s half pure alcohol. But add in ice and it’s candy.” 

“Diet Goya Brand fruit punch soda? How did you get so particular?” 

“It was what we had at the party where it was born.” Jensen stirred in the ice and poured out two glasses. “Cheers, this is my second so I’m going to need to stop.” 

Steve came in and smiled slowly. Turning to Jared he said, “Bro, I just smoked this crazy shit and I’m like hallucinating that my best friend is here… y’know other than Chris. But like, Jen’s the shit, yo.” 

Jensen wrapped an arm around Steve’s shoulder, “Boy, how many times I gotta tell you to lay off that shit?” 

“Dude,” Steve said, still addressing Jared. “Now my hallucination is touching me.” 

Training Steve’s face to his own Jensen said, “The pot is melting your brain. You’re not nineteen anymore. I’m here, really.”

“Astrally?”

“No, physically. I’m here. Let’s get you some air.” 

“Dude?” he asked Jared, “Can you see Jen?” 

“I brought him.” 

As Jared spoke Steve kissed Jensen full on the mouth and said, “Yeah boy! Come have a cigarette with me.” Jensen nodded and allowed himself to be pulled towards the door.

“You smoke?” Jared called after him.

Forcing Steve to stop Jensen replied, “At parties. Does it bother you?” 

 

“No, I just didn’t expect it.”

“I quit before Jamie was born. Tricia and I did it together. You sure you don’t mind?” Steve was still tugging on him, too stoned to realize the conversation was going on. 

“No, go.” Jared saluted him with his drink. 

~~~

Outside they sat at Tom’s garden table. Jensen had helped Tom carry it from someone’s garbage eight blocks. Steve handed him a cigarette and lighter, “So like, you’re really here and shit.” 

“Really here and shit,” agreed Jensen lighting the cigarette. 

“I wanted to come and just like bang on your door until you were my friend again but Chris wouldn’t let me. He said you needed time and would come back when you were good and fuckin’ ready. So are you good and fuckin’ ready?”

“I’m not sure. But I’m here.”

“Will you play with us later?” Jensen smoked the cigarette and tried to think about it without showing his unease. “You can say no, I won’t even call you a pussy.”

Jensen shook his head, “I just haven’t done it in a long time. Steve, I-” 

“Okay, totally, just think about it.” 

“Thank you, it’s really good to see you.” 

“Missed you, man.” 

“You too, I’m glad Jared brought me.” 

“Chris and Tom talked a lot about your dating situation and thought it best just to steer clear.” 

“Yeah, they said. I think that was necessary.” They smoked in companionable silence and Jensen did math in his head. If he had one more glass of Voûte de Lumière Tombée he could be tipsy enough to play the piano in an hour and sober to drive in five. He finished the last of his second and dropped his dog end into the ashtray. “Where the fuck is LeAnn?” 

“She said she’s too ugly to party right now her psoriasis is playing up.”

“Damn it, I wanted to see her. Y’know, getting back in the swing wanted to see everyone.” 

“Overwhelmed at all?” 

“A little but not so much as to run.” 

~~~

Jared had lost track of Jensen and was kind of concerned until he heard him.

“She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love.” Jared practically ran to the living room to see Jason and Jensen singing. Jensen seemed really relaxed and easy. Once the song was over Jensen asked loudly, “So where’s the piano and what are we singing?” And Jared instantly understood that Jensen had applied too much social lubricant to his emotional unease.

Finding Tom in the crowd Jared made his way over and asked, “How drunk is he?” 

“Shitfaced. Totally fucked,” said Tom.

“Can we crash here?” asked Jared just as Jensen announced that he needed to puke and rally. 

“Yes.” 

Jensen wandered over and said in a cheerful tone, “I’m off to purge. But later we need to talk. M’kay?” He leaned his head on Jared’s shoulder. 

“Sure, go vomit.” 

“Have I told you I’m in love with you?” he asked into Jared’s shirt.

“No, but you’re too gone to be taken seriously.” Jared stroked his back and then Jensen wandered off without another word. “Drunk!Jensen is sweet,” Jared observed but Tom looked worried.

“Drunk!Jen doesn’t say anything Sober!Jen would take back. You are serious about this, right?” Jared just nodded. “Good. Because I like you, bro: you’re Mike’s best friend, you’re cool, you’re dogs are nice to Cook. But I’m going to castrate you if you’re fucking about.”

Coming back still smiling Jensen saw that a keyboard had appeared and asked, “Come Around More Alabama or Mary Can You Come Outside?”

Later there were tons of ribs, and burgers, and Jensen saying, “The conversation I wanted to have can totally wait until the morning. It’s a nice subject: don’t freak out. But I want to be more articulate.” 

When his cell phone rang he opened it and said, “I’m still at the party. Yeah, I know it’s almost one. Here, say hello to Jared’s friend Chris,” while passing off the phone.

Chris said, “Hey, Princess, how’s it going?” Her squeal was audible even standing a few feet from the phone and then he said, “Yeah we’re still on for lunch. Well, I couldn’t tell you because you tell Jen everything.” He wandered away with Jensen’s phone.

Jensen was too drunk to notice. Jared still listened to the conversation. Chris was speaking seriously and softly, “He played the piano with us, had fun doing it… Yeah I know, no it seems to be really working for him. Do you know what time he’s gotta pick up Jamie from Josh’s?… Cool I’ll pass it on to Jared… no he’s way too drunk they’re crashing here… Tom’s… yes, our Tom. You should come next time. It’s fun… excellent, see you Thursday.”

~~~

Jensen woke up in an unfamiliar bed, his tongue was dry but otherwise he had no hangover, he’d never been prone to them. Jared was breathing morning breath in his face and it reeked. Jensen was pleased with this as he didn’t trust anyone who woke up with sweet breath he thought it might be a sign that they’d sold their soul. The need to piss forced him to leave bed and   
Jared made a softly protesting noise. Looking down he saw he was in boxers and his flute tee-shirt.

He found a new toothbrush waiting for him on the edge of the sink and when he went back to bed Jared was sitting up and blinking tiredly. “I’m going to start the conversation you wanted to have last night. Don’t interrupt unless I’m wrong, okay?” Jensen nodded while climbing back into bed. “You want to be seriously dating. But you need to talk to Jamie first because it’s big. And you’re unwilling to put him on the back burner because he’s your baby and the last really tangible part of Tricia. Which means that we would be hanging out at your place all time and it would be more like a serious, committed relationship than dating. And you want to clear out a drawer for me because you don’t really want to go slow, you want to partially move me in, and you want to buy dog food. And my schedule is crazy so a lot of nights I would be out until nine because of shooting the show. But you’re okay with that because you’re busy with your own stuff. And you’re sort of worried because I would be changing my diet and I’m obsessed with food. You’re worried that I’m going to come to resent Tricia because you’re always going to miss her. You’re also concerned that you’ve been pretty open about your life since you were outted and want to have a life with me that isn’t a dark secret while I’m still outwardly closeted. 

“My half of the conversation would be admitting that I’m in love with you, and love Jamie, and don’t like dating as much as I like being in a relationship because it doesn’t require small talk it’s just becoming a part of a whole. I would tell you that I’m still going to eat whatever I like at work and shower before I come home, that I love you’re cooking and learning a new style. And the only thing I’ve ever going to resent about Tricia is that I didn’t get to know her because she’s Jamie’s mother, and you’re best friend, and she was lovely, and funny and I only get to see that in videos on YouTube. And while I’ve never gone public about my sexuality I’ve also never kept it a secret. And if the Food Network gets angry they can go fuck themselves because my cookware, recipe books, and endorsements, and DVDs have made me millions. And I see us being together for a very long time. Anything to add?” 

“Last night I was happy, and drunk, and you haven’t seen that. And it proved to me that I need to hand in my resignation and leave at the end of the semester because I want to compose again. Music is fun again. And you haven’t seen me really happy and, y’know, I’m still mean and slightly cold but I’m bouncy, and sing a lot. Me happy is like me drunk. How are you going to react to your boyfriend being like that?” 

“I’m going to be thrilled. I want everything. You need to pick Jamie up in two and a half hours so we should get the lead out so that we can go to my place and I can cook you a greasy breakfast and you can shower.” 

“Sounds great.” 

Jared moved to get out of bed, “I need to brush my teeth before I kiss you for the first time.” 

“Fair enough. I need coffee. Meet me downstairs.” 

In the kitchen Tommy was reading the paper and he looked up at Jensen and said, “Good for you, bro. You’re dating.”

“Yeah,” he said, “we really are.”


End file.
